i'm not like them, but i can pretend.

10 August 2009 @ 09:36 am

moving.

i'm moving to an old journal

sugarweeds
it's ad-free and i'm tired of this u.n.

i've added you all, add me back if you like.

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03 March 2009 @ 07:31 pm

i inhale large clouds

i haven't smoked weed in about two months now. or however long it's been since james decided he wanted to join the military because he has to pass a serious piss test. it's worse if you ever want to be a cop/fireman... you have to be clean for three years AND they make you take a polygraph test.

i know this because i talked to james and convinced him to rethink the navy thing. so he's looking into other just as physically demanding "manly" jobs that have something to do with honor. in a way, i am super turned on and impressed by his need to do these physically demanding and sometimes life threatening jobs. but i also kind of wish he'd go back to being my artfag bass playing pot smoking bone daddy. but whatever. his mood is much different now that he hasn't smoked or slacked out, although he still spends countless hours infront of this damn computer (which i can't understand). i always kind of saw us walled up in a little hole of a place across the world with our paints and our instruments and silas, taking tons of photos and riding motorbikes and learning different languages. my life is going the complete opposite directions and i'm also contributing to it? i used to wonder why the fuck am i going to medical school? but now i love it and actually want to finish, for the first time in my life. and not because i want to prove anyone wrong like i've previously stated before. but because i want to do it, period. i want to and can accomplish this. i wonder if this is how james feels about the navy. or if he feels pressure from me going to school to get off his ass and prove that he can be just as disciplined and intellectual. we both are blessed in the sense we can do anything we want to pretty much, given we have time to learn whatever it is and everything. i'm sure i could be in physics if i wanted to or some kind of deep sea marine life specialist or a pilot or a banjo player (if i would just fucking sit down and take time to learn it). when we have issues is actually going down any one of these paths we have infront of us. i just decided to go tumbling down one that i'd never dreamed of before and see what happened.

i made him feel like an asshole though about the navy thing. because he really was not hearing me at all. he tried to give me you never told me this stuff, but i had a perfect example, time & place, when i had spoken my mind. plus the fact that he's seen me cry several times about it. guys are just not as perceptive as women and i don't know why i think he's an exception to that rule. have noted that in the future if i don't make a big scene and CLEARLY spell out how i feel, he will not get it. but now that he understands where i'm coming from, he just seems to be moping about and very preoccupied and i almost want to take it back? because i know he really wants to do it. and although i really don't want him to do it, if this is how he'll react about the situation and keep on fumbling through his life trying to find an outlet that works for him, then i'd rather him just do it and get it over with, like a fucking bandaid, as quick and as painless as physically possible. i know it's inevitable that i will FEEL SOMETHING about him not being there and everyday will fucking worry and distress and probably hate my life a number of days out of the week, but i have an amazing ability to numb and forge ahead like a war tank. what i'm most afraid of that haunts me at nite (and it's not him getting killed suprisingly) is him coming home a completely different person and the james that i fell in love with has withered and died from desensitation and impressions of corpses will dance behind his eyes when he sleeps. he says that he doesn't think that stuff will affect him, but i don't think he has any clue what will and will not affect him.

that and infidelity scare me tremendously. because i can never forgive that. i don't care about the circumstances. and perhaps it's hypocritical, but it would break my self esteem so badly my ego would shatter to dust and i'd never feel good about myself with him again.

ugh. i don't like sorting through these feelings. i don't like this time in our relationship. i feel so uneasy all the time emotionally about it. like walking on eggshells that are sometimes really land mines.

i kind of want to hide out til it all blows over. unfortunately it's my life. and i have to experience this.

Tags: jarhead

Current Mood:

stressed

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02 March 2009 @ 03:51 pm

wall.

i have suddenly hit a solid fucking brick wall and could curl up and fall asleep on the pavement right this moment. zzzzzzz.

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28 February 2009 @ 07:05 pm

i'm half jill and half jack

the other nite, jasmine burned me some dresden doll's, some of their songs that i fell in love with them for. that cd is the cure to me at this moment. half jack is my oxygen. i lost count of how many times i've listened to it today and last nite. i remember everything i was doing when i first heard those songs. the tapes they were on, the kitchens i was in, the alcohol that was in my system or when we smoked a blunt in the parking lot of delmar park and i was screaming it with some stranger next to me in a car. i gave james his first lap dance to half jack. :] music saves me in so many ways when i feel like spilling all over the floor like milk & cyanide. for the most part, music is what i use to let that rageful little girl in me out. or the sexy girl or the soft girl or the hard girl. but when i am emotionally distraught, it wraps me in silk frets and octaves and locks fingers with me. music is my boyfriend, music is my bestfriend.

music is my favorite mistress.

okay so, i am tumbling along today, tripping up here and there and shedding a tear or two. still quite raw and uncertain, but smiling anyway when i can. my father and i took silas for a walk through the park. he loves being in the backpack my dad got for him and able to see above us both into the trees and sky. his eyes were cerulean, bright and sparkling. my heart was swelling so much, my ribcage creaked and groaned with the weight. i fed him some carrots and left for work, crying again once out the door. work was slow and crept along. i only worked 4.45 hours today, but i just didn't want to be there. there was so much on my mind, i couldn't focus and let go of time. finally it ended and i came home to my parents' to find james with sy. we doubled up on him with tickles and raspberries and gave him hiccups from laughing so hard and put him to bed, embraced eachother in a very strong hug that again, made me cry, and then he got called out to do another body pick-up. fucking terrible timing. i cried again. he called me from the road and told me that this or next weekend will be the end of it all and he won't be picking up dead bodies anymore on the weekends. i feel relieved, but only slightly. this will free up tons of time for me and give silas the much needed daddy time he needs (you have to see him with james, he loves the bajesus out of him) and also allow me to stop worrying about who will watch him and if i'm over working our parents as sitters and i can start doing pilates again saturday mornings. so that has brightened and lightened.

now i'm going to print out our taxes and send them off monday. we're getting close to $4,000 back. which is also great news.

things will look up, they always do. i need time to talk to james though before i go back to school this up coming week or i won't be able to focus on shit. so we'll see where it goes.

Tags: beautiful moments, dresden dolls, life savers, love savers, music is my favorite mistress, silas

Current Mood:

curious

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19 February 2009 @ 04:14 pm

in the dark we will take off our clothes

erica posted some old pictures in her journal and this little gem was among them:

ahhhh! dena, erica, me and jasmine, circa 2004 or 2005? so great. we're ridiculous drunk and stoned in that picture. great times for sure.

</center>life is going right along. tomorrow is my last day of animal care for the cats and dogs, i am relieved. next week is rodents, ugh. but whatever. you do what you have to. i don't know, it's been nice taking care of them though stressful at times. gives you a sense of importance and responsibility otherwise lacking in your lecture classes. can't wait to get into the more intense classes where i'll have to volunteer at shelters, assist in surgeries and do my internship, hopefully at a lab. i'm pretty damn excited, i must say.

i feel really good today for getting only five hours of sleep. silas slept over and grandma's house last nite so we had the apartment to ourselves. no crazy nite of drinking, smoking and love making. we went out and had dinner, watched nick and nora's infinite playlist (which was annoyingly cute and made me want to be a punk rock girl again... gah) and went to bed around eleven. at some point in the morning, james was talking in his sleep and said something like "aww come here my boy" and hugged the covers close to him and then started whimpering when i assume he realized they were only sheets and not our son. ridiculously cute and kind of heartbreaking at the same time. he is a great father. i'm so attracted to him these days.

still haven't heard from jasmine and am wondering if i ever will before she leaves. she and alex are picking up and hitting the road and she wrote me an entry in her journal about how she wants to meet with me before they leave and that she'll call me. still no call. it's been a week maybe two now. i'm not sure what's going on. should i attempt to call her myself? i would like to meet just to tie things up and make sure we're both on good terms or atleast explain myself, but that's the way my heart is. it's too easy just to write someone off. i have never been like that and can't really understand how people live with themselves after doing so. that's just me though. like all the girls in my classes who talk about having a problem with their boyfriends so they're going to just end it instead of try and work it out? what the fuck is that? no decency whatsoever.

i surprise myself.

i have some crazy wild pigtails today. perhaps will upload a picture lately. i like em. no one wears pigtails anymore. bring em back! ♥

Tags: girlhearts, husband, life, responsibility, school

Current Mood:

chipper

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10 February 2009 @ 03:28 pm

number whatever.

i have lost my desire to do. anything. i can barely focus when i study and never want to sit down and write in this. i think i'm suffering from some mild depression that's draining me and leaving me with no desire to be responsible or responsive in anyway.

james is in grand junction. i cried to him over the phone yesterday nite after getting a call from the hospital on a missed payment. i feel like i've been going and going and going ever since i got pregnant and it seems like forever until i can finally rest and enjoy my life. we did choose this by having silas, but i was so under prepared for how difficult it really is to balance your own life while you have a baby depending on that balance. i get through it because that's what i do, put up the armor and barrel through each day, completing each task until i can sleep and rest at nite and do it all over again the next. i am impressed however by my ability to handle it all this time. two years ago i would've given up and had a massive panic attack by now and retreated to a simple mundane life of working at a shit job and chainsmoking all the time, doing drugs and not caring about anything whatsoever then the pleasure i received then&there. i don't know why those things are so lusted after. well, i mean i do, but after a while all sense of self and purpose are lost and you just become hollow. or i did atleast. now i'm way too full and am spilling over, putting myself into overdrive and blacking out at nite when i sleep just to turn my head off, only to be subjected to bizarre dreams with everyone i've ever known in my life in them. i've given up trying to analyze them and am just blaming it on my brain purging events that have no significance to make room for everything else.

i have never ever ever been this dedicated to ANYTHING in my entire life like i am right now to school, silas, my marriage, my finances, my health... it's very weird and waring. how long until i completely adjust?

and then i was upset because it seemed that once i was through school and ready to adjust, james would be leaving to the militaryairforcenavywhateverthefuck and i'd have to learn to adjust to that, which i'm positive i'll never adjust to and what's that, like, ten more years of my life? of our lives?

what the fuck.

bitch bitch bitch moan complain. i'm done.

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24 January 2009 @ 07:07 pm

oo1.